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The clean joke thread
Stepping back a bit, I did want to tell Carl how much I enjoyed his ?Guide to Taoist Parenting.? Whether it be brainwashing to some or perhaps a successful experiment to others, one need only listen to, or read as it were, two happy, healthy beings such as Luke and Kyle to know that it is rather just simply, the way to go. The only difficulty, as I see it, is that the basic requirement for Taoist parenting is a truly Taoist parent. This is a very rare breed (which is very strange because everyone is a Taoist whether they realize it or not) and it is the reason I felt the need to push for further exploration of the how and why some people recognize the way, and most cannot or do not. His wonderful words on the ?human predicament? are the perfect mini-guide for outright Taoists and ?un-knowing? Taoists alike (hey, Kyle, is the term I?m looking for perhaps inright Taoists? By the way, if you tell me that it?s actually inleft Taoists, I?m going to sock you in the jaw?). Anyhow, our natural capacity for thought has overtaken us and has caused us to over-think virtually everything. I loved that Carl?s dear mother is naturally delighted with the results of his Taoist Parenting, but is still vaguely cautious of the methodology. Surely, it couldn?t be that easy, but here we have Luke and Kyle as proof positive that it is. The beautiful simplicity of it all is baffling to the ?un-knowing? Taoist. And yet, Carl?s mother is herself a truly Taoist parent (hey, she puts up with Carl, don?t she? -please laugh here 
). I?m sure she?s part of the reason he found his way and she heartily agrees with that old Taoist Polonius whom as we all know told his son, ?This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.? (I?m sorry, I know it?s corny old Taoist joke, but I couldn?t resist). Anyway, trust me, Grandma Abbott is Taoist.
Oh, yes, and now to fear. Why fear? Well, I would imagine that as life is supposedly a great mystery, the answer that it?s no mystery at all frightens us out of our wits. Even in China, long a hotbed for Taoist teaching, the Taoists were always revered, but at the same time also feared as sorcerers for their profound knowledge of the laws of nature and the universe. Professional Taoists (and I use the term ?professional? in the pejorative sense) throughout the ages have recognized fear as a can of worms that is easily opened and rather useful for fishing. The sage Zhiang Zi-ya maintained, however, that the best fish need not be caught, but will arrive on their own.
). I?m sure she?s part of the reason he found his way and she heartily agrees with that old Taoist Polonius whom as we all know told his son, ?This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.? (I?m sorry, I know it?s corny old Taoist joke, but I couldn?t resist). Anyway, trust me, Grandma Abbott is Taoist.Oh, yes, and now to fear. Why fear? Well, I would imagine that as life is supposedly a great mystery, the answer that it?s no mystery at all frightens us out of our wits. Even in China, long a hotbed for Taoist teaching, the Taoists were always revered, but at the same time also feared as sorcerers for their profound knowledge of the laws of nature and the universe. Professional Taoists (and I use the term ?professional? in the pejorative sense) throughout the ages have recognized fear as a can of worms that is easily opened and rather useful for fishing. The sage Zhiang Zi-ya maintained, however, that the best fish need not be caught, but will arrive on their own.
Comments
Let's help Kyle in his quest for more and better 'between songs patter': groan inducing humor, along the lines of a bazooka joe bubble gum wrapper, at which he's the master of telling...(btw, loved the '2 shots' joke-actually hadnt heard that one before)
Here's a few to start:
A guy told me his dog has no nose. I asked him 'How does he smell?' The guy said 'Awful!'
I asked this kid if his dog bites. He said no. I went to pet it and it bit me. Hey, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!? He said "This isn't my dog."
A guy walks in a bar with a toad sitting on his head. The bartender says "Hey, what's with that?" and the toad says, "I don't know, I just woke up and there it was on my butt."
A guy sees a snail on his front porch, and kicks it into his yard. Six months later, his doorbell rings. He opens it, and theres the snail, who says "What was that for?!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders 8 shots of whiskey. he starts slugging them back one after the other, and the bartender says 'Whoa, slow down, buddy, what's the hurry?" The guy says "You'd be in a hurry too if you had what I have." The bartender says "What do you have?" The guy says "Fifty cents".
The Tomato family is walking along, and baby Tomato is dragging behind. His mother tells him to hurry up, hurry up, and finally goes back to him, stomps him with her foot, and says "Catch up!"
Now, if I can just learn 9 instruments, I can fill in for Kyle when he's sick...
Because they have no attachements.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Tree falling in the forest.
What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he's working with?
He enters Nerdvana.
A student goes to the Zen Master:
"Master, what happens when you die?"
Master: "I do not know."
Student: "But you are a Zen Master!"
Master "Yes, but I am not a dead Zen Master."
Our hotel room was so small you had to go outside to change your mind.
The town I'm from is so small it's only listed in the phone book every other day.
An FAA inspector came up to the north pole to give Santa his preChristmas ok to fly.
They went around and did a preflight inspection on the sleigh, harness and cargo bay. All was in order. When it cam time for the check flight Santa got in the sleigh and then the inspecter got in carring a shot gun. Santa asked what the shot gun was for and the inspector said "you're going to lose one on take off"
What does a cat say when you give it a shot?
Meowch.
(She's four, okay?
We've been telling that "make me one with everything" joke in my family since forever.
A man who cooks carrots and peas in the same pot is unsanitary. (Only works if you say it out loud.) (Thanks, Dad.)
I went on holiday to forget everything. I opened my suitcase and found I had. Heyyoooo!!!!
We went to a bar one day and we saw four beer presidents walk in and order drinks. The Corona president said, ?I?ll have the best beer in the world. A Corona.? The Budweiser guy said ?I?ll have the best beer in the world, a Budwiser. The Coors man said, ?I?ll have the only beer made from Rocky Mountain spring water, a Coors.? the Guinness man says, ?I?ll have a Coke.? The bartender is a bit surprised but gets them all their drinks. The other presidents ask him why he got a Coke and the president said, ?Well, I figured if you guys aren?t drinking beer, neither would I.? Heeyyyyoooo!!!!
A priest was in line to be decided if he should be able to enter the Pearly Gates and ahead of him was a taxi driver. Saint Peter asked the driver, ?what?s your name and what was your occupation.? He said, ?Tom, Taxi Driver.? Saint Peter handed him a golden staff and silk robe and said, ?welcome to Heaven. Next!?The priest said, ?My name is Luther and I?m a priest.? Peter handed him a wooden staff and cotton robe. The priest said, ?well now wait a minute! How could that taxi driver get a golden staff and the works and I just get this?? Peter said, ?Up here we work by results! While you preached people slept. While he drove, people prayed.? Heyyyoooo!!!!!
In my This Week in God magazine, they issued a poll. This is what is was: Do you think Moses led the Israelites through the desert for forty years because God was testing him, or because he wanted them to really appreciate the promised land when they got there, or because Moses refused to ask anybody for directions. I?m still scratching my head about that one. Heyyoooo!!!!
In national statistics weekly, I read an article about Adam and Eve. Adam told God that he was lonely and needed a companion. God replied, ?ok, I?ll give you an intelligent, gracious and beautiful woman who will cook and clean for you and will never say a cross word. Adam said, ?Sounds great! But how much will it cost me?? God replied, ?an arm and a leg.? Adam said, ?That?s pretty steep. What can I get for a rib?? Heyyyooo!!!!!
Most of those jokes are from the Prairie Home Companion band/group
See ya around-
Robert (Buddy 1)
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather... who died peacefully in his sleep... Not screaming like all the passengers in the back seat of his car.
there was a young lady named Blight,
who traveled far faster than light,
she set out one day,
in a relative way,
and returned the previous night.
ok, a clean dirty joke:
a white horse fell in a mud puddle ... nyck nyck nyck
how can you tell the difference between a geek and a nerd,
easy: one talks about Star Trek and the other talks about Star Wars. (guess which one I am)
there was a hippy walking down the street with one sandal on. his friend asked him if he lost the other. the hippy said "no way man, I found one"
Neither one can ride a bicycle very well.
oooohhhh! :shock:
thank you thank you, I'll be playing here till friday...
A duck is walking along one day when he thinks "I could just go for some bread!"
So he walks into a pub, goes to the bar and says "Got any bread mate?"
The barman replies "Sorry, no. Beer, wine, crisps and peanuts. No bread."
"oh, ok then" says the duck, and walks out.
Next day, he comes in again, and asks the same thing. The barman replies "No, same as before, no bread." Again the duck leaves.
But! The next day he's back again. This time the barman replies more heatedly "NO! BEER! CRISPS! PEANUTS! THAT'S IT!". The duck leaves empty bellied.
But, undeterred, the duck returns. This time, the barman is really annoyed. "Listen, duck. If you come in 'ere one more time asking for bread, I'm going to nail your bill to this bar, got it?"
"Got it." says the duck, and leaves.
Next day, sure enough, he's back. He walks up to the bar and says "Excuse me mate, got any nails?"
"Er, no." says the barman.
"Right, have you got any bread?"
So he bought her a bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
why did the chicken cross the road ?
to prove to the armadillo it can be done. :twisted: :roll:
To stop someone and say 'oh, i've heard that before' is akin to telling someone 'oh dont sing that, i've already heard somebody sing it once.'
of course, most folks cant tell jokes (not looking at you Kyle...) but then most cant sing either-but it's the price we pay for the experience, and we need to appreciate the effort and the joy it brings those doing it.
A guy is putting something on his food.
A friend sees him and says "Whats that stuff?"
The first guy says 'I've been reading about the benefits of using thyme in your diet, and it's great. I love this stuff."
"But arent you using an awful lot?" his friend asks.
"Yeah, in fact I had to get this from the neighbors. I used up all I had, it's almost all I eat anymore.
His friend says "You cant go on doing that! You're living on borrowed thyme!"
Peggy Sues Mother lets him in and says, "What are you kids up to tonight?"
"Oh, I dont know" Bobby says, 'probably go to a movie, get a milkshake afterwards..."
"Why don't you screw?" peggy Sues Mothewr asks with a smile.
"Excuse me!!!???" Bobby exclaims.
"You know, screw. All the kids are doing it. Peggy Sue loves to do it. She says she'd screw all night long if she could."
Bobby just stands there with his mouth open, as Peggy Sue comes downstairs. "Are you ready, Bobby?" she asks.
"Uh-huh" he stammers.
"Have a good time, kids" Mother says.
5 minutes later, Peggy Sue storms back in the house, hair messed up, dress torn open.
"It's called The TWIST, Mother! The TWIST!"
"I'll be Beethoven" Stallone says.
Van Damme says "I'll be Mozart."
Arnold says "I'll be Bach."
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las
Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches in Las Vegas than
there are casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday
services will give casino chips rather than cash when the
basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different
casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the
offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a
nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the
casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by a chip monk.
What does a frog say when he is in water half way up to his butt ?
knee deep knee deep