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The way of birds and myself
Thus, rather than "embracing the hurt", learn the lesson embedded within it. Your need creates your hurt. It is totally within and has nothing whatsoever to do with the outside world. Of course, our biology strives to hoodwink us into seeing it otherwise. We are tricked into feeling that holding on to what we need will make us happy. The reality is just the opposite. Mother Nature is a ruthless rascal.
Thanks for that clarity, Carl.
The discomfort of maturing seems to be defended by our biology, just as you say. Even worse it's still only our choice, the mind and heart do what we tell them to.
I sometimes see that big, reliable pain of holding on to what i 'need', as the pounding of waves against my ship as the sails of te pull me along smoothly but insistently.
My attention wants to look at nothing but the waves and feel nothing but how much they hurt. That's a false loyalty, an immaturity as you point out, that just doesn't help anybody, me or the ones I love.
So far when reality hits my fan, I only mentally understand that I have no choice but to 'learn from the hurt' and grow from the learning. My stubborn loyalty to my stagnations, and the resulting TV-quality drama of those waves and me smacking each other around, won't change the givens of living. Those aren't going to go away, or hurt any less until I shift my attention.
What a ruthless, precise device we find ourselves in! The Old Gal nurtures us with an iron hand. Or so I make it seem before I let anything in me change. A real bad habit that one.
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This is realized for me through their singing. Naturally, when I find myself dissolving, my bodily awareness is extremely heightened, and every action, or thought resonates within my body. That feeling of being able to clearly feel every muscle in your body work.
When I get into this zone, there seems to be a very clear communication with the vocal quality of the birds. When my connection with myself, or lack of self, heightens, the vocal output of the birds is clearly beautiful, and peaceful, and just pooring with love. But when my awareness remains on a heightened, but stationary level, the bird ( generally a single bird ) is rhythmic, repeating their singing. But when my awareness is continuously expanding, the bird will continue it's singing, ever-expanding into new, more beautiful, stronger, louder, more pronounced singing.
Often I get anxious, nervous, or just cannot continue my seeking and instantly their is cessation of the bird. It is as if the bird instantly reacts, following by longing, desperate cries of similar singing. If I snap back into my endeavor, the bird follows. After a minute or so, their will be no sound of the bird. But when I continue my seeking, the bird begins again.
On a different note ( I tend to use my experiences comparatively, probably not always the best choice ), the other day I was at a diner with myself and my girlfriend. Our relationship is wishy washy.
For whatever reason, I chose to tap into my center at this diner, continuing with the similar common experience of heightening my awareness, and connecting with my body. When I found that strong, but peaceful center, as before, it resonates within our bodies and minds. When I was there, my girlfriend began crying, telling me that I was forgetting about her, sacrificing her while I was so consumed with myself.
This has happened on a few accounts, while I practice meditation with her or around her, she begins crying, telling me I'm leaving her behind. Perhaps we are both a bit afraid to leave our selves behind. I try to tell her to just let go of whatever she's holding on to, easier said than done of course, but she seems to find the way's taste bitter.
Ever since I've known her, I have struggled with self-consciousness, social anxiety and homosexual desire. I have always known myself to be a bit intrigued my homosexuality, but never had it imploded into a struggle until a year or so ago, about a week after we met. Naturally, my problems are not of her fault, but it does interest me that she has grown up with a homosexual best friend for 10 or so years. Perhaps our subconscious similarities are what brought us together as friends in the first place. The interest thing to me is that when I am able to penetrate the walls of perception that make up myself, I am generally free from these desires, and bodily tensions, but also, further away from her.
Maybe I am building a confused web to further validate my sense of self, but the experiences are intriguing. :?
In my opinion, you hit the nail on the head there. Our sense of self (ego) finds meditation threatening and so it can devise ways to make its presence known or even strengthen itself during the meditation experience.
I'm not saying the ego is "bad". It has its place and needs to be recognized for what it is: illusion.
When I hear the same teaching over and over, I pay attention because it's probably true. In your case, I hear the meditation instructor telling you to label the bird song as "thinking," let it go, and return to the focus of your meditation, perhaps your breath.
It's pretty simple after all.
Illusion? Perhaps, but I can't accept an ultimatum that such experiences are just perception. I definitely have come to accept a lot and most of experiences are a direct result of illusionary thinking, and then resonating thoughts and emotions within the body. Perhaps this just is too. But I don't see an impossibility to connect with the animal world just like one would connect with himself or nature, or anything.
It just seems so intriguing that if focused enough, I can practically make them sing or cease singing on command. Like with friends cats, who never pay me any mind, but suddenly become my best friend when I surrender to the flow.
Just seems like a deeper connection with animals is just as possible as one with nature. As we all are one and the same right?
As you become ‘all’, the ‘parts’ increasingly fade. Intimacy with a ‘part’ walls off a sense of intimacy with ‘all’. Actually, biology doesn’t need us to feel intimate with ‘all’; rather, Nature’s biases us to interact with the local and the particular (to notice difference more than similarity). That interaction imparts to us a sense of security (albeit pseudo security). Thus, fear, the void, the ‘all’ , drive us to hold on to our favorites. In this way our favorites protect us and imprison us. Alas, it seems we can’t have it both ways. (Note, fear, void, all correlate.)
I find the confusion comes from trying to reconcile the ‘real’ with the ‘illusion’. This always flabbergasts me and is part of my everlasting sense of curiosity and wonder. The less I feel I need to succeed at reconciling the two, the more I joy the experience.
Who is 'I' when 'I' is 'all'?
I enjoy these discussions but often think that I should stick to the teaching that uses no words. Then what am I doing here, haha!
I suppose learning is like a great musician, who knows his theory but hardly refers to it.
For me, discussion serves as a constant reminder of the primal value of [chref=43]the teaching that uses no words[/chref]. I feel the value of discussion (all discussion) really rests in how it connects us socially. Ants use chemical signals to connect, birds chirp, bees dance, bacteria conjugate... we talk and write. Of course we chirp, dance, and conjugate too.
I haven't figured out the fancy quote thingie yet, so I'll just copy and paste...
"she seems to find the way's taste bitter."
That is definitely something I've noticed about Taoism. Even though I follow its philosophies, sometimes it even tastes bitter to me! I enjoy having discussions with my friends, and in certain instances it just seems "wrong" to be neutral... when something seems so one-sidedly "correct" or "right"... And even though my instincts, or perhaps my upbringing, do tell me one way; I always strive to look at things from a centered-view. ...My mom thinks I have a screw loose.
"I have struggled with self-consciousness, social anxiety and homosexual desire."
Those all could be considered stressful, naturally. In my opinion, they don't have to be a struggle. I, too, have been an extremely self-conscious individual; and that is definitely tough. But I think that is what led me to who I am. I found a balance and went from being self-conscious to more... self-aware... or self-observing. And that actually helped me conquer my self-consciousness somehow! I've never really had any social anxiety... but that seems to be connected to the self-consciousness. The homosexual desire... not sure what to say about it... I could see how it would be a struggle in some cases. But it just didn't seem to fit in with the other two to me... But all is connected, so I'm not sure. I'm no expert on any of this. I'm probably biased on that subject, so it's more difficult for me to see why homosexual desire would be something that was necessarily a struggle or something to feel 'free from'.... but then again, in Buddhism, one works to rid himself of ALL desires... which would DEFINITELY be a struggle for me... I'm still far too material in most cases. :roll:
Desires in any form, tend to be a sort of wall that obstructs a deeper realization. When we cling to desires, we suffer. Easier said than done eh?
"Following the way is easy. Most people just take the difficult path"
(ok so its not a perfect quote but you get the idea)
To me this means most people have a difficult time letting go of what our society considers socially acceptable or "the norm". The same could be said with homosexual desire. It has been said that the yellow emporer was among the first who took male bedmates. By accepting this as your personal experience with the tao and denying the way it is commonly precived one can see that there is no reason to wrangle and to do so would not only be futile but detrimental to finding balance within.
Nor will it ever, despite our wishes to the contrary. For example, [chref=43]’The teaching that uses no words, the benefit of resorting to no action, these are beyond the understanding of all but a very few in the world.’ [/chref] The understanding mentioned is not the understanding of the intellect – mind. Rather, it is emotional ‘understanding’ that is lacking. Acquiring emotional understanding is like acquiring patience or acquiring sleep. How do you do that? You let yourself. So simple, and yet so difficult… until it becomes easy. Also, saying that patience (i.e., [chref=16]stillness[/chref], [chref=45]stillness[/chref], [chref=57]stillness[/chref]) is ‘the cure’ won’t sound like ‘the cure’ to one who feels little patience.
Simply put, there is nothing we can do, no action to take, that will improve our emotional understand other than living life as it comes our way. We need do nothing, for [chref=17]'it happens to us naturally.'[/chref]
Mastery, “Tao” or otherwise, is a cultural myth. ‘True mastery’ is only realized when we remain ‘true beginners’. The duality, ‘mastery versus beginner’ is in the mind and emotion (desire) of the observer. It is something we [chref=36]must first strengthen[/chref]. ‘True guidance’ is the self honesty we face within ourselves. Self honesty is the only truly trustworthy guide. It is the guide’s guide.
The dynamic, balance counterbalancing imbalance counterbalancing balance… add infinitum is the natural flow (for lack of a better label). All life seeks to maintain balance; all life experiences imbalance in the process. That quest is life’s “agenda”. Our problem is that we ‘see a problem’. Ironic eh?
The “too much” is not too much; rather only a result (symptom) of more primary causes. The struggle is actually 'a balancing act', and so it can never be “too much”. The dwelling on our circumstance, and the ensuing worry, comes from placing too much trust in thought among other things (e.g. Have You Noticed? Something’s Always Wrong). But, hey, the brain has a mind of its own so what can we do?