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Meditation, Watching and the Five Finger Test
Ooo, allow me just to [chref=69]retreat[/chref] a foot or two...
Questioning the belief in free will was the straw that broke my
"am i just a 'back-slidden' christian who's looking for any answer that suits me best?" , back.
(i love it when folk describe doubting christians like that, those who doubt the application of the words and symbols or like me no longer call themself a christian...
'back-slidden' Ha! i cant wait till i slide all the way back to the source)
Growing up 'knowing' that you know the meaning of life, and that EvErYBoDY else who isnt a christian is wrong and doesnt get it...
and being taught to be 'in the world, but not OF the world' meant to dis-connect from our 'sinful' nature, rather than my fresh understanding of that scripture, it has been the cause of real pain and intense effort to break down a lot of the fences that limited my path.
Like this, 'I' was a plant in a pot with very healthy yummy soil, existing fine.
Should i want for anything more? do i need anything more?
But thru no 'fault' of myself or anyone, i got un-potted.
I could no longer accept a lot of the beliefs that were part and parcel of that 'pot'
Un-potted i was out on my own. and i was starving.
I tried a whole bunch of stuff to find the nourishment i needed.
Some fed me for a while till its flavour no longer satisfied, others made me sick.
The whole way along, i felt that surely it was there all the time.
Surely i dont need a pot, surely i can stop right here, right now, and settle myself, and drink.
But there were a whole lot of fear issues for me.
Heck! i'd seen miracles, what if there actually are 'demons' ?! :shock:
In the busyness of the day id laugh to myself saying that if i believed for a second that there were demons, then id be on the front row of that church!! but when quite and alone i would still myself to meditate, fear would snatch me from returning.
So... now, i feel deep sense of relief that im allowed to let go and accept nature as it truly is... a mixed bag
Thats whats busted. My grip and fear's hold. And now i can [chref=64]start[/chref] to relax as i continue turning back.
As you've pointed out, 'free will' runs so deeply in our psyche that its illusion only really shatters once and for all when one 'knows' it is illusory at an emotional level.
I make no such claim... I'm chippin away at it, but just put TV adverts in front of me or ask me to listen to 'stuck-up' people discussing how they know exactly how everything should be, and i suddenly find it very difficult to accept nature how it is and that they cant help it! :x
and neither can i help wanting to meddle and tell them how they 'shouldnt' be so sure that their view is ultimately correct, and they should realise that there may be a better way like how 'I' see... oh hang on a sec... :oops: !
constantly back to square one, or tying to return to square one.
and one day i might actually live there.
Sigh... just wish i could get some of that wishy washy feeling when i have to queue to at the Bank to pay a bill !! haha
"Busted" eh? Good. That wasn't so hard was it?
Questioning the belief in free will was the straw that broke my
"am i just a 'back-slidden' christian who's looking for any answer that suits me best?" , back.
(i love it when folk describe doubting christians like that, those who doubt the application of the words and symbols or like me no longer call themself a christian...
'back-slidden' Ha! i cant wait till i slide all the way back to the source)
Growing up 'knowing' that you know the meaning of life, and that EvErYBoDY else who isnt a christian is wrong and doesnt get it...
and being taught to be 'in the world, but not OF the world' meant to dis-connect from our 'sinful' nature, rather than my fresh understanding of that scripture, it has been the cause of real pain and intense effort to break down a lot of the fences that limited my path.
Like this, 'I' was a plant in a pot with very healthy yummy soil, existing fine.
Should i want for anything more? do i need anything more?
But thru no 'fault' of myself or anyone, i got un-potted.
I could no longer accept a lot of the beliefs that were part and parcel of that 'pot'
Un-potted i was out on my own. and i was starving.
I tried a whole bunch of stuff to find the nourishment i needed.
Some fed me for a while till its flavour no longer satisfied, others made me sick.
The whole way along, i felt that surely it was there all the time.
Surely i dont need a pot, surely i can stop right here, right now, and settle myself, and drink.
But there were a whole lot of fear issues for me.
Heck! i'd seen miracles, what if there actually are 'demons' ?! :shock:
In the busyness of the day id laugh to myself saying that if i believed for a second that there were demons, then id be on the front row of that church!! but when quite and alone i would still myself to meditate, fear would snatch me from returning.
So... now, i feel deep sense of relief that im allowed to let go and accept nature as it truly is... a mixed bag
Thats whats busted. My grip and fear's hold. And now i can [chref=64]start[/chref] to relax as i continue turning back.
As you've pointed out, 'free will' runs so deeply in our psyche that its illusion only really shatters once and for all when one 'knows' it is illusory at an emotional level.
I make no such claim... I'm chippin away at it, but just put TV adverts in front of me or ask me to listen to 'stuck-up' people discussing how they know exactly how everything should be, and i suddenly find it very difficult to accept nature how it is and that they cant help it! :x
and neither can i help wanting to meddle and tell them how they 'shouldnt' be so sure that their view is ultimately correct, and they should realise that there may be a better way like how 'I' see... oh hang on a sec... :oops: !
constantly back to square one, or tying to return to square one.
and one day i might actually live there.
Sigh... just wish i could get some of that wishy washy feeling when i have to queue to at the Bank to pay a bill !! haha
Comments
Watching is simply a prayer without words. The mind is like a puppy dog leaping this way or that. The breezes of desire flutter it, and our lives, one moment to the next. A wandering mind's desire are like ripples on the surface of awareness forever moving outward and onward. The 'heart', deep down, only knows [chref=40]turning back[/chref]. Listening to it's silent voice will guide me, if I want. Nuts, I keep running into this problem; I get out of life exactly what I truly want!
So, my problem lacking enough 'want' to back up my ideal. I dream about the benefits of [chref=40]turning back[/chref], but the need I feel doesn't match my dream. Words (and thoughts) are cheap. My other needs (desires, wants) are more emotionally compelling and divide my attention. Of course, I have faced this same dilemma in exercise, food, smoking, and as you can see, in the area of [chref=23]using words but rarely[/chref] :oops: . Need pulls the puppet strings of life! So, the issue really becomes one of prioritizing need. The following exercise can help a little...
The Five Finger Test
Being [chref=64]careful[/chref] is driven by an awareness of the stakes involved. As history show, both personal and human, we don't do anything until we feel the need to. Life, the civilized version anyway, just doesn't stimulate enough of the required it is now or never feeling. Which often means we have a devil of a time [chref=64]dealing with situations before symptoms develop[/chref]. How do we keep ourselves on our toes? In the Five Finger Test, we hold our life out in front of us to remind ourselves of what is at stake. Here's how it goes.
Hold your hand out in front of you with fingers extended. Think of each finger as being 20 years, and that you are guaranteed a 100 year life span. Now, fold one finger for each 20 years that you have spent to date. If you're only 20, great! You've only 'wasted' 1/5th of your life so far. But, how many more 'fingers' do you want to 'waste' [chref=20]going up to the terrace in spring[/chref]? Of course, I'm down to only a couple of finger now (if I'm lucky) so doing this really helps [chref=16]return [me] to [my] destiny[/chref]. This makes it easy to feel what I truly want. Such sincere inquiry into what I truly want of life also prompts me to reflect on what I truly have, which evokes a sense of appreciation and [chref=33]contentment[/chref] too.
Okay now, do we need to go around all day with a hand held out folding down fingers? No, unless that is what it takes to remind us. Although, it may be something to do once a day until we emotionally 'own' this idea. One thing is for sure, we must remain alive to the life and death stakes this test illustrates if we ever wish to watch our life carefully enough. Of course, if we already have the presence of mind to actually do this once a day, we probably won't need to much. And, those who would really benefit probably don't have the presence of mind to remember to do it.
P.S. I don't mean to imply that 'wasted' is [chref=2]bad[/chref]. After all, [chref=36]if you would have a thing laid aside, you must first set it up[/chref]. It is just that if we look at it as 'wasted', it helps focus awareness on what is at stake... What will it be, [chref=53]the great way [or a] by-path[/chref]?
Also, 'watching life carefully' probably doesn't sound very sexy, at least compared to the lofty goal of Enlightenment :idea:... And there in lies the problem. Actually living an enlightened life hidges of watching life, moment to moment, carefully. But, it is only when we watch this 'flow' carefully that we feel the joy of enlightenment. You might say we have to pay first, sight unseen. We are so stimulli-reaction oriented that, as easy as this sounds, it is almost beyond our ability to do.
We are watchful in areas where we feel a need to pay attention. We pay attention to whatever we take seriously. That's fine as long as there is balance, but civilized life 'shields' us from nature's balancing, if wild and [chref=5]ruthless[/chref], influences. Without such natural [chref=20]uncouth[/chref] balance, we become obsessively and compulsively watchful over that which we begin to take too seriously. The particular 'object' of our obsessive watchfulness varies for each of us according to how our inherited nature plays itself out in our environment (nature and nurture).
So what do we obsess over? Anything and everything: clothes, hair, music, food, exercise, professions, cleaning... the list is endless. The one common denominator though is pleasure and pain. These help drive our imbalances, what ever they are, and this causes suffering. It is a vicious circle. Obsessions promise pleasure, give us a fleeting taste, yet in the process pull us further off balance. Sure, at some point we 'level out', but probably only because some deeper biological forces (fatigue?) take over.
What to do, what to do? First we need recognize what we obsess over. That is very easy to do, yet may be difficult because we rationalize our obsessions as justifiable, and thus they aren't obsessions in our eyes. Thus, ...
Step #1: Remember, [chref=71]not to know yet to think that one knows will lead to difficulty[/chref]. Thus, distrust all rationalization (thinking) involving matters important to you. Chew on the watch words, [chref=15]tentative, hesitant, vacant,...[/chref].
Step #2: Acknowledge what corner of life is being neglected due to all the emotional energy being 'wasted' on your obsession. Ponder the idea of a chain being only as strong as its weakest link. Naturally, [chref=40]weakness[/chref] is a good thing in Taoism, so let's just think of this as [chref=56]knots[/chref] in the [chref=14]thread running through the way[/chref]. We tend to keep these 'dirty little secrets', those weak links, hidden from everyone, including ourselves. We focus our attention on the 'tip of the iceberg' - the impressive and ego boosting results of obsession (i.e., success is driven by desire). This is where some courageous self honesty can helps us step off our 'successful' by-paths. Alas, this is also where we tend to wait until 'tomorrow' to bite the bullet.
Why bother? A true sense of wholeness (happiness, [chref=33]contentment[/chref]) rests on how well we can [chref=4]untangle the knots[/chref] and integrate these weak links, into our life. It is no accident that religion has sprung up alongside civilization. Religion is a symptom of our imbalance; it's humanity's attempt to [chref=16]return[/chref] itself to balance. Of course none truly succeed. Only when 'I' heed [chref=2]the teaching that uses no words[/chref] do 'I' begin the journey back. When we begin caring more about the integrity of our weakest links than maximizing the 'power' of our strongest ones, [chref=63]no difficulties can get the better of us[/chref].