well, im drinking again (long long post-sorry)

Buddy1

[Note: I italicize phrases I borrow from the chapter, and link to phrases I borrow from other chapters to help tie chapters together. While making it more tedious to read, :? the Tao Te Ching is best pondered in the context of the whole.

Victor Mair's translation puts it this way: The Way gave birth to unity, Unity gave birth to duality, Duality gave birth to trinity, Trinity gave birth to the myriad creatures. Perhaps this view correlates to the Christian Trinity in a curious way? Though, if 'one' is God, Taoism takes the view a step before God, i.e., [chref=4]it images the forefather of God [/chref]. Anyway, I look at this 1 - 2 - 3 - etc... as entropy. 'Things' unravel. This is why [chref=40]turning back[/chref] is so calming.

Carry on their back the yin and embrace in their arms the yang parallels the situation from a correlation's point of view. Yin correlates to inner, back, low, weak, hidden, cause; yang correlates to outer, front, high, strong, obvious, effect (symptom). This is why I take the 'obvious' with a grain of salt. The 'outer' is always a symptom of the 'inner', Yang plays off of, and reacts to, yin. Simply said, [chref=40]weakness is the means the way employs[/chref]. Taking nothing at 'face value' give me time and opportunity to sense what the deeper causes are. Of course, I must be continually [chref=71]alive to difficulty[/chref]. After all, we are biologically wired to do just the opposite, i.e., 'believe what we see'. Civilization helps us [chref=16]wilfully innovate while ignorant of the constant[/chref] causing such instinctual naivete to carry us off on [chref=53]paths that lead astray[/chref]. No thanks! I'd rather [chref=28]return to being the uncarved block[/chref]

I once fasted for a few weeks, during which time I prepared dinner for my room mate. I've never enjoyed food more than during those weeks when I could only savor the 'desire for' food. I realized then that it is really just the 'desire for' that thrills us. Actual success or satiation of desire is extremely fleeting and hollow; we return immediately to the yin of the [chref=25]silent and void[/chref], only to bounce back with another desire. That is life's ultimate irony. We are gripped by an illusion - Nature's [chref=65]hoodwink[/chref] - that satiating desire makes us 'happy'. Actually, it is desire's pursuits that stimulates us and gives us the illusion of impeding 'happiness', i.e., we feel we will finally be [chref=46]content[/chref] once we win the object of our desire. So, what happens when we finally have all we [chref=37]desire[/chref]? How do we feel having reached the top of life's mountain and finding there is no 'mountain'? What else but, 'solitary', 'desolate', and 'hapless'. Nature's balance is maintained. Not 'having' begets a 'dream of having'; 'having' extinguishes the 'dream of having'. In 'having' the moment, we 'have' eternity. Eternity is [chref=26]heavy[/chref], and so we [chref=61]take the lower position[/chref]. While this may sounds like a big deal, it isn't. Thankfully, [chref=17]it happens to us naturally[/chref]... No free will involved here!

We add when we feel inwardly diminished. Such piling on is a symptom of the yin we carry on our backs. This corresponds to Chapter 2: [chref=2]The whole world recognizes the beautiful as the beautiful, yet this is only the ugly; the whole world recognizes the good as the good, yet this is only the bad[/chref]. When we realize what is happening, we are somewhat 'liberated' from Nature's [chref=65]hoodwink[/chref]. Not completely though, despite myths of Enlightenment or Salvation, to name two. After all, we are just simple animals [chref=33]living out our days[/chref].

Buddy1

i dont know any of y'alls history with booze, but the lady bottle and i are quite well acquainted, and though we've been apart 6 + years, we've recently reestablished our relationship..in times of trouble old friends can be helpful...or disastrous...but when everything you've grown accustomed to has been ripped away, the rituals, then smells, the feeling of an old habit can be quite comforting...this doesnt mark the failure of my cold turkey sobriety (as opposed to a 12 step program that blames everything on everything except yourself), this doesnt mean i was just waiting for an excuse to drink again, this doesnt lessen the importance of my kid in my life (as if i were just waiting for him to leave so i could drink again) all this means is i have to type more carefully and use backspace and delete alot more-LOand that i'll use LO, alot more for things that nobody elsethinks re funny. i hav to be acreful not to step on my dog, as well...i drank heaviuly from age 15 to 33,,,got away with one dwi...but was going blind towards the end of it...thinking on my recent work troubles, i think of all the years i went in drunk and never got noticed (and still got more work done than most other staff)...now im house bound on work orders, my career is doomed (for totally innocent non drinking reasons) and, I don't know, i guess im bored...or ive just been called so many differnt evil things that being a drunk isnt such a bad thing...its like hookingup wihth an ex wive whoi you know will turn on you, but right now she feels so good......ive worked hard my whole life-even in my drinking & drugging days, i always held a job....yet lately in the prime of my sobriety and usefulness, I've been suspended, accused, called a sociopath, a pervert, an addict...when you walk your own path in this world you stand out more, i guess, when you speak up, speak your mind, you face the wrath of the multitudes...even a good good friend of mine, supportive thru all my recent troubles and knowledgable of my true nature, said, when i threatened to take this public, to the media, 'oh,no, then they'll accuse you of terrible things!'...like i care...let them push me hard enuf, ill admit everything and more...and in the end, if everyone pushes their prejudices aside, i'll still come out as my kids best father, best friend, and best role model...all i want is that chance...if i dont destroy myself first...i dont know why or who im writing this too...maybe Carl, since he seems the linchpin (or the loose cannon, most like me 25 years down the line) that may be an insult to the rest-ive always known but recently had to to be reminded that younger people have a lot of wisdom...when i was 16 or so i thought i knew alot, and did, and people that age still do, but now i'm of the age that forgets...one of the marvels of the internet is the ability of young people to let themselves be heard...all i had as a teen was a handheld tape recorder...recorder in one hand, beer in the other, suicide on my mind...25 years later, its the internet, not much different...maybe who im trying to reach is anyone with the stamina to read this whole damn long posting...just rambling, i guess, the excuse of the insecure...i just miss my kid,,,on an ordinary monday night, we'd be in bed, having read another chapter of 'huck finn' and i'd be listening for his low snores before i allowed myself to fall asleep...now i dont have that...i have a pup who falls asleep under my shirt, and who abandoned me hours ago for the warmth of the queen size futon (which he somehow manages, as a chihuahua, to fill, and my last beer...)

ive even forgotten how this post started, or why, but sorry and thanx for reading, and i dont know i dont know- if you think of a response, more power to you-if i could afford the gas, i'd drive down and hug you all...

Buddy1

well, more proof that what ive said before is true: dont get on the internet when you've been drinking...i know better-just like when i used to get on the phone and call friends i hadnt spoken to in years-middle of the night, folks love that...anyway, sorry... :oops:

Lynn Cornish

As someone who also has an alcohol problem, I'm sorry you are drinking again. Drinking only masks the pain; it will prolong it.

I have to disagree with:

as opposed to a 12 step program that blames everything on everything except yourself

Maybe you haven't been to the right meetings. AA does not encourage people to blame others. We are taught that "if we are emotionally disturbed" by what is happening in our lives then "something is wrong with us." If you research steps 4, 5 and 10*, you will see that we take responsibility for ourselves and let everyone else alone. (In fact, sometimes I think AA's do this to the extreme and are too hard on themselves.)

I do remember blaming everyone else when I was drinking. I see other active alcoholics doing it...it's because if you blame everyone else, you never have to look at yourself and the denial. I thought I had to drink to survive, and I had to blame others in order to drink the way I needed to; so, for me, it was a survival instinct to blame others.

There is a lot of wisdom in the 12 steps..surrender, acceptance, forgiveness and more surrender.

I hope you don't find it necessary to take your alcohol abuse to an extreme this time, however you decide to deal with it. Just remember--it's not going to solve any problems, it just feels that way. The problems will only get worse. At least that's been my experience. I wish you well.


*Step 4 - took a searching and moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5 - admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step 10 - continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Buddy1

thanx lynn, i do appreciate your concern and comments-im just not a fan of aa and never will be-so many people are pushing me to take meds, go to more counseling, etc to deal with my current problems-im not a joiner, not a meddie-i mostly just think things out and talk or write to friends and consider any and all advice that comes my way-as long as theres a chance of getting anthony back in my life, i wont drink heavy again-he's never seen me drink and never will...and if he doesnt come back well, hopefully ill still find a better way to deal with life than the bottle...love to all B

TaoCow

That's a lovely post Lynn.

Lynn Cornish

Oh thank you, Leslie. I'm so insecure about posting. I think once, twice and then again.

To Buddy, ask anyone who knows me: I am not a joiner either. I love to be alone, I love the tranquility of solitude, and I've never belonged to a group of anything. But I went to meetings because they told me it was the only way I would stay sober, and even with that, the odds were I wouldn't.

After going to meetings for a while, it was hard for me to resist the total acceptance I found in AA. After all, loner or not, we are all social beings. And so in AA I found the balance I never had before between solitude and being with people. Also, drunks are the coolest people there are and those in recovery are pretty smart and astute. But it took me a while to realize all this and I'm glad I listened when they said "keep coming back; it works!"

Now I have what it says in the Big Book: a richness of life and a wealth of friends [we] never believed possible. Me, the shy one, the insecure one, the one who always stays home! It's a miracle.

Buddy1

whatever works for you, to each his own, and i really mean that-thats been my motto thru life, i think, do your own thing, make your own kind of music, thats how ive managd to have friends who were arayan nation and others who who black muslims, some who were athiests or pagans and some who were fundamentalist christians, how i once went from doing coke with a mother and son in the morning to having cookies and milk with a retired couple whose yard i tended, in the same day, and enjoyed both-npt bragging , in fact this maybe prove sim scizophrenic, or just maybe able to adapt to different situations...not that im saying aa is a fringe group or anything...but i believe as humphry bogart said, 'the whole world is about 3 drinks behind'

but in my inner mind and soul we're all alone, i know this-thinking this t'other day as i drove, thinking to myself an old private joke and chuckling-how much of my life ive spent alone, in body and / or spirit wth my own thougts and how this must be true for everyone though so many deny it...we're born alone, die alone, and in between try to get a few minutes of somebodys time just to prove we lived at all...

lynn, any mircle you find in life, grab it...and quick before someone takes it away...love ya, buddy

TommyO

Lynn,

Your post is an encouragement to me as well. It is straight forward and to the point in an appropriate way. It reflects the balance we should all have when we understand but also see areas that we should address but are sometimes afraid of being misunderstood.

I too am not a joiner in clubs and groups. So I do understand Buddy's apprehension. Still I do think there are times that we need to hear from others and that this can be very helpful for us.

Buddy, I know we do spend alot of time alone but even when we are alone we are connected to all things and all people. Recently I have been meditating on the truth of how I am connected to everyone and this is bringing about a change of thought and attitude for me. It has to do with even though others may not know it, our posture toward them when apart is revealed in our own self and also when we are in contact.