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shots to the body
Ignorance is bliss they say. Is it really? Certainly, what we don't care about can't disappoint us. Suffering never occurs when we lose something we don't care about. On the other hand, awareness and care are closely related. Whatever we don't care about slips from awareness. The less we care, the less we are aware. What then, becomes the point of living? Caring is consciousness; consciousness is life :!:
How can we be conscious and care on one hand, yet alleviate our suffering on the other? There is a fine line here to be sure. I've found it is possible to care deeply about something - anything - everything, yet avoid much of the suffering aspect by not caring about 'outcomes' - all of which exist in a future moment. The concern, the caring, about outcomes is really the source of the suffering. Taking it personally and pushing our [chref=7]private ends[/chref] sow the seeds of our suffering. To [chref=33]knows contentment[/chref], we must care not to care. This sounds like [chref=64]desiring not to desire[/chref], eh?
I've been fascinated by the easy/difficult nature of this issue for a long time. It is like the problem we humans have with alcohol, or anything else really. We don't [chref=44]know when to stop[/chref]. We are all 'drunks', and like drunks we must hit rock bottom before we see ourselves honestly enough to live a more [chref=78]straightforward[/chref] life. But, this is not like flipping on an enlightenment switch and living 'happily ever after'. No, like a drunk's 'awakening', we must always be aware that we're drunks in order to watch life play itself out moment to moment. Only then are we able to [chref=64] maintain a situation [life] while it is still secure.[/chref]
Like a drunk, we must truly want to be sober to live life as it is, and not as we desire it to be. It boils down to having one deep desire, like [chref=15]desiring not to be full[/chref], which overrides all others. All the other desires can be summed as a 'the grass is greener over yonder than it is here' illusion. It is curious how universal human addiction / obsession is, from drugs, alcohol, food,... up to ___ (you name it)___. We all face the same problem; we just don't admit it. Hitting bottom is the only thing that resolves it.
And hitting bottom is what makes it [chref=53]easy[/chref]! Maturity increases with awareness, awareness increases with maturity. But, with awareness come greater caring. Greater caring brings deeper suffering. Thus, the only way to maintain 'sanity' as awareness deepens is by caring not to care, which is nothing more than desiring not to desire. Because there is no other way to deal with 'it', [chref=14]holding fast to the way of antiquity[/chref] becomes the easiest way.
And when we fall off the wagon? No problems, we can just hop back on board! Or as we say in 'Taoville', [chref=15]be worn and yet newly made[/chref] :yy:
How can we be conscious and care on one hand, yet alleviate our suffering on the other? There is a fine line here to be sure. I've found it is possible to care deeply about something - anything - everything, yet avoid much of the suffering aspect by not caring about 'outcomes' - all of which exist in a future moment. The concern, the caring, about outcomes is really the source of the suffering. Taking it personally and pushing our [chref=7]private ends[/chref] sow the seeds of our suffering. To [chref=33]knows contentment[/chref], we must care not to care. This sounds like [chref=64]desiring not to desire[/chref], eh?
I've been fascinated by the easy/difficult nature of this issue for a long time. It is like the problem we humans have with alcohol, or anything else really. We don't [chref=44]know when to stop[/chref]. We are all 'drunks', and like drunks we must hit rock bottom before we see ourselves honestly enough to live a more [chref=78]straightforward[/chref] life. But, this is not like flipping on an enlightenment switch and living 'happily ever after'. No, like a drunk's 'awakening', we must always be aware that we're drunks in order to watch life play itself out moment to moment. Only then are we able to [chref=64] maintain a situation [life] while it is still secure.[/chref]
Like a drunk, we must truly want to be sober to live life as it is, and not as we desire it to be. It boils down to having one deep desire, like [chref=15]desiring not to be full[/chref], which overrides all others. All the other desires can be summed as a 'the grass is greener over yonder than it is here' illusion. It is curious how universal human addiction / obsession is, from drugs, alcohol, food,... up to ___ (you name it)___. We all face the same problem; we just don't admit it. Hitting bottom is the only thing that resolves it.
And hitting bottom is what makes it [chref=53]easy[/chref]! Maturity increases with awareness, awareness increases with maturity. But, with awareness come greater caring. Greater caring brings deeper suffering. Thus, the only way to maintain 'sanity' as awareness deepens is by caring not to care, which is nothing more than desiring not to desire. Because there is no other way to deal with 'it', [chref=14]holding fast to the way of antiquity[/chref] becomes the easiest way.
And when we fall off the wagon? No problems, we can just hop back on board! Or as we say in 'Taoville', [chref=15]be worn and yet newly made[/chref] :yy:
Comments
some of you know that for the last 6 years i've been raising a boy, not my son or a realtive at all, a kid i met thru mentoring-well, on the 1st his folks both got busted for dope, and he 's been swept up into the foster care system since then-neither i nor even his only nearby blood relative, gr'parents and a cousin (she's 19 and raised him birth to age 4), have recieved any official word on how he's doing-that is, if we hadnt dug and schemed and begged and used various connections we wouldnt know anything-as it is i found out his case workers name, contacted her-after several days we finally spoke-and the cousin found out where he was being held so i managed to sneal a quick visit with him at his school-before i was banned-no contact rule in effect for any and all parties that ever knew him
-how that and removing him from all his poistive prusuits and interests (karate, guitar, his dog) is helpful to his well being, i dont know-but anyway, at this point all we can do is wait-his gr'parents have had a foster care license before, so hopefully thatll speed up the process of them getting him in their house-state law says not even any phone calls or supervised visits from anyone but parents, not even extended family-how stupid is that-folks are the cause of this, are in jail, and still have all the rights
even though i've been the main source of support for him all these years-im a non entity in the states eyes-and dont even begin to try and think how many times ive had to explain my realtionship with the boy-a single 40 yo man raisng a young boy-do i get looks...no matter that its been 6 years, i can get character references from dozens of people, doesnt matter-they act like i picked him up from th vbus stop 2 weeks ago...
-it takes a village to raise a child-but let that village actually try (especially if the village is a single male) and everyone pulls back-let the child fend for himself is better, i guess-hypocrites...
so im trying to eb a rock, let the wtare flow over me, be aptient, and failing miserably- i may lodse my job as well-meting today about that-i went in last week all stressed out and they're jumping on that-totally unsympathetic-these are the bosses that said at a meeting last month, 'if you put your famnily ahead of your job,m mayb you shouldnt work in this fild'-so we'll see what happens-
ive gone to a counselor, a doctor as well, took a wek off, and have had so many good friends rise up in support and comfort
think i talked his case worker into letting him attend his next karate test-hes worked 9 months for it-so thats a start-at least she knows i exist, knows he has a support system out her-let them investigate me all they want, im clean and legal and all that-odd, but hey, the boys odd too-we're good together-alone, i'm nothing...
more on this later im sure-dont want to depress you all at once
-its been like when you lose your kid in a department store and for a couple minutes that panic sets in-well, i've been holding my breath and looking for him for 9 days now, with no end in sight...dont panic dont panic...
That's very sad to hear. I'm sorry. I hope that soon some sanity will prevail and that he'll be back where he belongs. Keep strong.
Best wishes,
Leslie
Sad to hear your situation. Obviously, [chref=75]those in authority are too fond of action[/chref]. Clearly they are unable to be the [chref=51]steward yet exercises no authority[/chref] over the boy's life. A few general thoughts come to mind. I know they won't consol you much, if at all, but considering the broader issue / picture can't hurt either.
Everything works fine in civilization as long as everything is going along smoothly. But, when we hit a bump in the road, we really see how puffed up our own self image has become. We are simple animals acting and reacting out of instinct. [chref=10]When the gates of heaven open and shut [/chref] do we keep to the role of the female? No :!:
Why? We have not evolved the capacity to do so. We panic, and resort to irrational [chref=43]action[/chref]. Worse yet, we don't realize the [chref=40]weakness[/chref] that moves us, and so rush about leaving any measure of [chref=16]stillness[/chref] behind as we begin [chref=74]chopping wood on behalf of the master carpenter[/chref]. Such is life...
and i apologize for my atrocious spelling in that last post-i've been distracted...
i've tried to trust the boy to be alright, and to trust that in his time with me he learned enuf (good and bad) to get by ok...silly to think he'll need me his whole life, or that this situation (him being with me, free rein all the time) was going to last forever-but man, im so goddamn lonely without him...you can talk to a dog all you want but once in awhile you crave feedback...
the system, the powers that be have no interest in you when things are going good-but let anything go wrong and they swarm in to get credit for fixing it...often under anitiquated outdated ideas and rules of family and a childs needs...'success finds a thousand fathers but failure is an orphan'
im babbling again-trying not to get angry-so much useless anger...need to focus it...i'll go read the new entertainment weekly about the oscars...how could they screw 'brokeback' out of its oscar, damn them!!!
For example, I've found my deepest emotional sufferings have been the only catalyst, the only [chref=51]circumstance to bring [me] to maturity[/chref]. With increasing maturity, I'm able to not screw things up as much and thus better [chref=7]able to accomplish [my] private ends[/chref].
I don't know where you are in life's continuum, but you are somewhere on it. And so, likewise, the pain of this period is a priceless part of your [chref=64]journey[/chref].
i've had to depend on friends more than ever, their emotional support, which i've avoided before (i am a rock, i am an island)-ive shown weakness and vulnerablity to the whole world...
and anthonys had to be on his own for the first time, and thats a terrible but neccesary thing...i often heard him cry out in his sleep from nightmares and id go in and be there as he woke up, to comfort him-now a nightmare happened while he was awake, and i was nowhere around, no help at all...and ill never forgive myself that, but hope he does, and grows from it...
so much of this is mememe, but he was so much of me that when he's gone, im grasping for whats left of me...
...where am i at on lifes continum-well, besides being at point where i need to learn how to spell continuium (just keep adding u's , i think) even before this i had enuf grief to last me a lifetime...a spouse...i've been thru one bad marriage-my parents-and never had a desire for another-never wanted kids either-they only break your heart-but A snuck in when i wasnt looking...now if that part of my life should be over, im older, wiser, sadder and hopefully mature enuf to just stay alone the rest of my life...ive had enuf of people to last a lifetime...
I couldn't work out why this all started in the first place - I mean if you've been looking after him for 6 years, why did all this kick off now?
I'm thinking of you and the lad - I hope you'll be back together soon.
but in the yes of the law i am at best a non entity and at worst a pedophile-why else would a 40 yo man want to be frinds with an 11 yo boy...?
big news today: yesterday at 8am his grandparents got a knock on thier door-and there without warning was anthony and the case worker-in his one set of ill fitting clothes, no socks, smelling like he hadnt had a bath in a month
also no paperwork stating that the grands are his legal guardians-and they have a dr's appt tomorrow so beforehand grandpa has to get soem kind of paperwork saying this...he's old and sick and cofused by the system and fairly overwhelmed...
and he wasnt supposed to have contact with me but i called to see whats new, found out A is there, and he asked if he could come over and get some clothes for the boy-of course, we have a closetful-and he'll prolly get grief for doing that much...bcaaue the rules are: no contact with the folks, who are still in jail, no contact with me, and no karate (because it 'makes hm violent')-so not only am i being misrepresented, but the entire field of martial arts is being dissed...
so he spent 90% of his lif th last 4 years eithr with me or in karate and now both are banned...and this is supposed to help him how?
i also loaded a few toys and his mail in the bags, so he knows im thinkng of him...very hard to pack up anyhting...dont thinkill be ablk to go in his room agaimn
now heres the part you abbott type folks will appreciate: they found out anthony and i 'sleep together' and thats something i had to explain twice to grandpa-what it is about, is i dont heat the bedrooms in the winter-we spread blankets and such out in the living room, and we sleep next to each other-usually he on a raised air mattress and i on the floor-or in my chair when my backs hurting-but they see it differently of course-they dont see us sleeping or readin 'huck finn' when we're laying there, they see us...well, doing what all thos fine misguided folks thought you abbotts do in your bedroom...
i love porn and thought i had a dirty mind,,,until i got involved with the state...they put me to shame...
so its good that hes out of foster care and home with family-its bad that i still have a long road ahead to explain myslf and get his life back to mormal...but i'll turn time and tide to make sure it comes out good for him...me, i'll make do...its all about the boy...
saw both drs this week-medical and th shrink-actually, last time seeing either-im done with the quack, and my shrink is moving to a new job-i drove her away in just two visits-LOL
by the end of this month one of two things will happen-i either will have reestablished contact with anthony or ill be closing up shop here & coming to cali
i wont die in oregon, take that as fact-i have enuf gas money to make it to cali one way, if i do ill stop in and say hi to you abbotts
-know that no matter what happens ive enjoyed my time on here, you've brought many smiles and good thoughts to my head. i wish i couldve given more back. i wish everyone peace and much love
I hope you hang in there. Plus if the boy is the most important thing to you you wont not do anything rash. My father commit suicide and it was a horrible experience that has hurt me for years. I am older now (52) and finally came to terms with it. I realize he was in a lot of pain but I was young (16) when it happened and had no way of undertanding. As I said the pain has gone on for years, I don't think the boy needs more of that. Yes this is a painful time for you. I think doing something in a group can be helpful but you don't agree that it is for you. I think a place of acceptance like AA or perhaps some others is good but....Lynn said all that. There isn't a fast solution. I wish you the best in this hard time. Hang in there.
love you B
I too, know what it is like to be so very sad that you don't want to live. I'd go to work and put on the happy, professional face, but then I'd cry and cry at night...and put the clown face on again in the morning. Yes, I even tried drinking, but that only made the room spin and made me throw up.
I was finally honest with myself and my Dr. I made myself tell my doctor that I didn't want to live. I've been on an anti-depressant for two years Buddy. Like that ad says on TV, I'm finally me again.
An anti-depressant raises your serotonin level so you don't feel so sad. You are trying to make yourself feel better with the alcohol and porn...but it's not working. Like you said, it just "distracts" you.
Please consider anti-depressants Buddy...they can help so much with depression. And please consider an AA group like Lynn suggested.
Think of this group as your online "intervention". We are here for you.
Just me from Michigan
so tonite i called and left a message with his case worker requesting a meeting and stating again, respectfully (and soberly), my thoughts on the misunderstanding regarding our relationship...now a couple days for her to respond and onto step 2...ill figure out what step 2 is in a while...
Our culture has a bias against mental conditions; we think taking mental supplements shows weakness or some kind of moral deficiency. (Sort of like the disease of alcoholism, come to think of it!)
I firmly believe in experiencing feelings. I don't know about other drugs, but antidepressants don't numb you out.
Step 2 is "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
I'm being facetious.
Anti-depressant meds don't "chemically alter the brain" to take away sadness....the meds will help you deal and cope with the sadness. Yes, it's a sad situation. You are going to feel sad. But, you won't feel so helpless and hopeless with meds and an AA group.
Serotonin occurs naturally within our brains. We've all heard of the "runners high". Exercise and and healthy living can get some people out of their slump. Others might need a pill to boost their serotonin level. Meds don't paint the sunshine...
but they can help you feel like painting...etc.
Just me in Michigan
also waiting for a call from a coworker whose sis is a lawyor-sure she'll be able to give some good advice...(and movie trivia note-if anyone saw 'holes' the disney movie of a couple years ago-his sis played zero's mother in the reunion scene at th end)
but at some point gonna contact the media, as this national child abuse prevention month and everyones praising the foster care system and pushing folks to 'help a child'-yeah, abd get your life ruined...tell them my side-long as i dont name the kid doubt the system can do much to hurt me over it
im also allowing myself a few moments of thought everyday about 'ok, what if he doesnt come back?'...
i took the first week in may off for vacation-see if i come to cali or not...maybe high gas prices will save my life-LOL
My mother died while I was still drinking and I grieved and grieved but it wasn't until I got sober that any healing happened. It's like your brain doesn't get it that you went through the process of grief if you add alcohol.
I know when you are done, you will be done, and then the healing can start no matter what the outcome. I just hope it's sooner than later.
of course im realistic and weak-wouldnt take much bad news to send me back down...
today a friend is taking anthonys guitar, mail and piggy bank $$ over to him-ive written the grands a letter letting them know ill be out of town tomorrow and it'd be nice if they'd bring A to our house so he can play with his dog, his toys, his friends-since i wont be here-also restating my position and encouraging them to believe me and keep fighting for what they know is the truth and the best for him...
also asking to be included in his birthday in a couple weeks..
-i know that alot of it is they're embarrased that their son was such a bad father that i, a stranger, had to step in anf ill that role-but i did a fine job, and they need to get over it and get on with our lives
this reminds me of some of the run ins ive had with people over my going barefoot in publiuc-they stick their nose in my business, in things they know nothing about, speaking out of ignorance or some imagined authority "you cant go in there bf! why not? well, you just cant, it aint right!...same thing: you cant raise a child who's not your own!
why not, isnt that what mentoring is about, helping a child in need? well, you're a 40 yo single man, it aint right!
but i have the time and money, and i care about him"
"you must have a hidden agenda, you must be a freak"...you get my point...