Few and far between

Emails to Lynn, Part 4
This loooong post is a collection of emails between Lynn and myself over three years or so. They are arrange in order from the latest going back in time to 2004. It's so long that it must be posted in 4 parts.

We tackled various issues over that time. Mostly she posses a good question (in italics) to which I respond. Questions are always better than answers, but I do the best I can - apparently 'blowing her mind', as she puts it, more than once. I'm always 'blowing my mind', so I guess we share good communication. I don't know if these will be helpful to anyone, perhaps they are not even worth the paper they are printed on.

=== (up to date uncertain) ===

Men vs. Women
Do you think it's true that men tend to be more abstract and global and women tend to be more subjective/personal and local? I do.

Absolutely! Nature is smart and did not make men and women 'equal'. Men are outfitted with different 'weaknesses' which complement the 'weakensses' which women are outfitted with. Of course, biology being what it is, some men have a lot of female traits and visa versa, but as a broad general view, the 'in-equality' is true. However, these 'weaknesses' are only skin deep and so at the silent depth of being we all share the 'mysterious sameness'.

The Kind Buddhist
He is amazing to me...he personifies what he is teaching. He is very open, tender, humorous, and not afraid to allow silence when he is teaching.

Buddhist are known for being that way... Taoist are known for being 'crazy'. So you see, if I called myself a Buddhist I'd have a tough time living up to the image, but as a Taoist... no sweat!

I believe you are serious in all the right places because I can learn so much from you.

Well now, that is always a two way street. Just now I looked at your comments on the POLL which triggered my thoughts toward a possible reason.

Learning
I need to re-read what you wrote about learning...it didn't click with me right away. In fact, it seemed opposite or backwards or something.

Well, my observation is very tersely written as is often the case when something first pops into my mind. It needs to be fleshed out. But for startersI should have worded it with "I" instead of "you" as its drawn from my experience...

Once I grasp a view rationally, I can grow to know it intuitively. This is the essence of 'higher learning' (i.e., human learning). The other, 'lower learning' is physical / emotional. Once I grasp an action or behavior physically / emotionally, I can grow to know it intuitively (reflexively).

Guilt
Now, talk about scarey...is my guilt so glaring? It might be my Catholic upbringing...or maybe there is a gene for that. However it happens, it certainly is passed down from one generation to the next.

It is absolutely genetic, with probably a stronger expression in females.

The Art of Your Life
My instructor said "You are not a project! Leave yourself alone!" I love that; I have that tendency.

That depends. I've always felt my life was my art project. Taking yourself seriously is crucial to self understanding. I imagine the problems arises when you hold onto 'standards' of who you need to be or think you should be. The need and should emotions cause the tension. If you approach your 'project' as an adventure of discovery to see what's there, you won't run into those problems. It is like the difference between drawing on beach sand that the surf will wash away the next moment, and drawing with oils on a canvas that will hang in a museum forever.

Of course words are cheep and easy to speak. You have a rather powerful 'guilt gene' which you inherited that plays itself out in your life. The though above might be relevant to that to some degree. It is. It is just important not to expect more than is naturally possible. Of course, we inherit genes for expecting more than is realistic. So, step by step is still the only way to go!

Becoming A Taoist
You keep bowling me over with your thoughts! I am thinking of becoming a Taoist. Really. I'm not kidding. Would I have to go to temple? There I am kidding.

I've always though, "everyone's a Taoist" whether they 'know' it, or not. But, if the Taoist viewpoint starts making sense, well, then you are becoming a 'know it' Taoist (for lack of a better word).

Repetition is Crucial
We have often wondered why we need to hear truths over and over ...what are we, brain dead? So your thoughts about returing over and over to truths makes so much sense to me. And balancing is such an apt example.

We need to have a group, let's call it HA (humanity anonymous) for all the rest of us, i.e., the non alcoholic 'alcoholics' in the world. The two groups could combine forces and we'd have AA HA!

Repetition
Do you get sick of the repetition even though the truths are so true?

The thing with deep truths is that you must always keep returning to them. You never 'learn' them like you do math, let's say. I think of it like balancing. You don't learn to balance and then it happen automatically, you have to always maintain an active awareness of it to keep it happening. Same with the deep truths. All the more so because they usually go against our instinctive sense of reality. I mean it just comes natural to us to judge others. You have to keep an active sense of the big picture to avoid slipping into that cesspool.

Tai Chi
Your words about Tai Chi are encouraging. It seems overwhelming to me. I have to remember one pose at a time.

Write a big poster that says ONE POSE AT A TIME. Start at the beginning and go as far as you can... a few seconds to minutes... and then repeat. As you really know the general movements of those few seconds, you add on some more seconds. Thus, building the routine over time... as much time as needed... years if need be. The crucial thing is to do some daily! And don't extend or bend or what ever more than is comfortable. It will all come together naturally without you taking responsibility. All you need do is find a way to 'hoodwink' yourself into doing some daily. That means making it pleasurable in some way.

As to the issue of lacking coordination and balance. I feel that each time. I always will, if I'm paying attention, for I can never be perfect! As my old Yoga saying went, "work with perfection, don't expect perfection". Letting go of whatever expected 'standards' I bring to it (as much as possible) eases the journey and allow me to enjoy the process... which will keep me doing it!

Watch what you need
Isn't it just indicative of the whole situation (resistance/attraction, aka suffering) that it is so elusive to me? The 'good stuff' is always okay, it's just the bad stuff I want to fix. I know that fixing is not the answer but it keeps eluding me. Interesting. It's as if my ego/survival instinct doesn't want me to remember.

Exactly!!! Watch what you need. It's the source of your pain, and also reflects 'illusions' which persist in the mind and keep you from finding original self. Of course, you instinct will be to NOT face need (and fear) as the source, but rather instinct points outward to the objects that need to be fixed. It is spooky how hoodwinked we are by our biology. Even more spooky how hard it is to realize that this is what is happening.

Messy is Tidy
I feel resistance to your advice because my compulsion is not a avoidance of dirt, it is a love of order and having aesthetic surroundings. I clean only because dusty things don't look nice. I don't like messy.

You should feel resistance! "I don't like messy" either. When examined deeply, I find that avoidance is a manifestation of my isolation from the 'whole' and is powered by fear. Moreover, I feel/see attraction and aversion to be two sides of one coin, 'both' imprison my spirit and keep it 'cycling' round and round. Now, all you can do is ponder this observation of mine and see what part, if any, rings true within you.

I want to repeat... it is my view that the compulsion to have "things look nice" is connected to an "avoidance of dirt/messy". Just as life and death are connected. The Taoist term 'mysterious sameness' describes it best for me.

Art and Need
I think I may have a little bit of an artist inside, and my expression of that is in my house. So maybe if I actually practiced doing some drawing or painting....what do you think?

Sound very right. I've never been able to STOP something. All can do is transfer the needs. So, channeling that 'artistic urge' constructively is worth a try. Of course, art is part of that prison I mentioned above. But, heck, step by step.

More on the Effects of Civilization
Oh, a thought on what I said yesterday about the effect of civilization on us. Take cats, for example, (though it applies to all domestic animals). Notice how picky eaters they become? They get off balance vis a vis life. All life evolved to live in the wild using instinct. When you short circuit the 'wild' part of that dynamic, you through the organism off balance. Instinct has no sufficient 'back push' from 'wild nature' and the animal end up neurotic. That certainly applies to humanity, and it is what I have observed from the jungle tribes in Borneo to the royal neighborhood in Stockholm (I lived a time in both). We are out of balance. We created the spiritual stuff of religion to help counteract our neurotic-ness. It doesn't really work... (but don't tell anyone I said that).

Do You Feel Weird?
I always felt that I was weird. I think maybe you have felt that way too, right?

Well, no really. I've always been/felt an outsider, but not weird. If anything, I felt people being 'insiders' were weird. Not until I had my kids did I really feel a social connection. I assume my genetic makeup is such that I need a very intimate day in day out long term social experience with people to feel tribal. That's why sport, politics, religious groups and such never interested me I reckon.

Misery Loves Company
"It can be very subtle to see at first sometimes, but as your awareness of this becomes keener, so should the comfort with your own fear, i.e., knowing you're not alone. (at least that seems to be my experience... as far as I can tell). Anyway, welcome aboard!"

That's too bad...only "some comfort". I'm looking for some freedom from fear. In my experience, when you give your full attention to your feelings and what's going on in your body by 'sitting' with it, the feelings dissolve.

Good! "some" of course is relative. I find that the more I expect, the keener my experience of not meeting that mark.

Desensitizing Compulsion
Well, I am compulsive about it. Do you have any thoughts about how I might find some freedom from this compulsive behavior?

Ah, well, we share that compulsion. What has helped me is 'training my sensitivities' (for lack of better word). So, you mentioned puddle stomping in you rubber boots. Try taking of those boots and jump in the mud. Take similar steps with any area which you notice compulsion in. Of course, start with the least demanding and work toward deeper. This type of desensitizing exercise helps 'de-civilize' you and return you to your more animal reality. That, by the way, will lower the fear thing, i.e., compulsion arises out of fear.

The problem really come from how civilization allows us to avoid the 'dirty, funky, slimy, messy' side of nature and build an 'ideal world' which suits our fears and insecurities. This 'world' promises us freedom from the fear, but, in fact, it just paints us into a corner and isolates us from the wild, from nature. You and me build a 'world' of tidiness, while others build a world of ... you name it. What ever people are compulsive about reflects that artificial 'world' they have built.

Touch bugs, sit in sand, poop in the woods, erect a TeePee down in the back 40 and cook on a 3 rock fire, sleep on the ground (summer of course),... and so on according to your imagination. The thing is to be gradual, gentle, non goal oriented but rather just 'letting go' a little here and there of what has become your 'standard of living'. Our 'standard of living' that we cling to, become the prison we're afraid to leave. Like a bird who has lived in a cage all its life... they don't eagerly fly away at the first chance. Slavery offers security. Ironic, eh?

Allowing Space
I've been reading an article about how we get hooked into jealousy, anger, resentment, etc., and how we can practice to allow some space between the initial resistance and our response.

So far all I've found that works hinges on how I interpret what I observe. It I 'think' a tiger is after me, I'll likely to 'feel' one is after me, and if I feel a tiger is after me, I'll run. To "allow space" works if I take the moment to find a balanced interpretation. That will keep me a rest. If I can't find a balanced view, my emotions, and finally actions, will react accordingly. It's a simple process. The stickler is that the emotions tend to drive the interpretation, which ignites the fire before the rational mind can see the big picture.

I found the article just when I was lamenting about how I sound so good in email, but I can be such a shithead in real life What a comfort to know that I am not the only one with this problem.

Well, as you accept your reality as a helpless little animal, the "shithead" judgments will fade, both as directed inward to yourself and outward to others. As least that's my experience.

Life And Death
This is part of your comment on Chapter 50..."there is no realm of death" brings to mind what Carl said of his experience in the Sahara Desert--that life and death are the same. For me this means that consciousness, the awareness within me and everyone, existed before Lynn was and will go on after I'm gone. I have been unable to find out who Lynn is anyway, so why am I so afraid of losing that identity? Anyway, after death, my consciousness loses its identity with a physical body and returns to the universal consciousness. In this way, life and death are the same/there is no realm of death.

I'd say you're on the right track for getting to the heart of "life and death being the same". I think the intensity of my awakening experience was due to the fact that I was young and had not up to that point had an original thought, i.e., outside the learned paradigm, so connecting life and death, as my mind did, was a profound experience.

As we get older our minds have much more chance to wrestle - reality vs. paradigm. What I'm saying is that I think your realization of life and death being the same will be a gentle deepening awareness as you ponder it... (as evidenced by your comment to Chap 50 maybe).

You've observed that fear runs your life. Do you notice how it runs everyone's action? It can be very subtle to see at first sometimes, but as your awareness of this becomes keener, so should the comfort with your own fear, i.e., knowing you're not alone. (at least that seems to be my experience... as far as I can tell). Anyway, welcome aboard!

How Life and Death are the Same
And I have an assignment for you (!??!). Explain how life and death are the same thing. We don't get it.

The difficulty with explaining this in a linear way, i.e., writing like this, is that it is simpler than words can describe. That probably sounds nuts. The purpose of the 'correlations tool' is to coax the mind into the ultra simple intuitive knowing that, for example, 'life and death are one'. It's a feeling more than an intellectual knowing. Maybe if you think of the taste of chocolate and how it is impossible to 'understand'. You can only feel it by tasting it.

Of course, we don't have taste buds to sample 'life and death'. To the contrary. Every instinct screams in us... they are different! opposite! never the twain shall meet!

A similar, though much easier, example of this to get is the instinctive pleasure we derive from eating sweet food. Deeply knowing/accepting that 'more sweets' is not better for us like it would be if we were monkeys in the jungle, we will eat more wisely.

Back to life and death. These words are not realities, but products of our mind, our biology, our instinct. Instinct exists to have us 'perform' our lives as though life and death were real and opposite. The illusion run to the core of our cellular makeup.

Does this make intellectual sense so far? If not let me try further. It is a great assignment, thank you! To feel the sense of it requires 'blowing your mind', so to speak, enough to intuit 'outside its box', so to speak.

Oh goodness. It only matters if it matters. Distrusting what our mind tells us sufficiently to live in the moment is all we really need, eh?. Everything else is mute. Nevertheless, I suppose pondering this 'life and death are one' can help break the trust we place in our thinkings.

Fear Drive Us All
I have lots of fear. I'm driven by it. So you are saying that my fear is not related to anything that meditation dissolves, because I experience peace during meditation.

For you, and I, meditation (i.e., the moment) brings peace and helps moderate fear, which indeed drives us all!

Sadness
Chogyam Trungpa calls it the genuine heart of sadness--compassion for the whole world.

Ahh, yes.

Kindness is Natural
A few years ago I came to understand that only kindness counts. "Kindness is my religion -- Dalia Llama." And so I Christmas shop and act kindly towards the store clerks and fellow shoppers. It feels 'right' and 'good' to do so.

You're giving and giving feel 'good'. That's why I see that no one choses to be nasty. We can't help it. It just reflects our fears etc. Giving kindness feels good and all would do so if they but could.

The Void and Fear
People talk about 'the void' and 'nothingness' and the great fear they feel when they experience it during meditation. I never experience anything even remotely scarey from meditation, so I don't understand what they mean. Is there something frightening out there/in here?

Fear, death, 'the void',... are the same even tho they go by different words. The perception / emotion of the 'void' is built into all life and propels all life to act. Thus...

Whenever you experience any fear, you are experiencing 'the void'. Whether that happens in meditation or not depends on the individual. For me, meditation is a peaceful returning to the 'void'. That this doesn't evoke fear only reflects the fact that I (and you, I assume) am not holding tightly to any idea (for psychological security) which meditation dissolves. Loss, or threat of loss, of whatever we clung to is what evokes fear in us.

The ducks are in the 'void' all the time, Only external stimulation triggers fear emotions in them. Being just an animal, the only thing that will bring fear emotion is external threat.

Stepping Outside the Box
I don't know about most people and if they are content with their lives the way they are. I wonder if they are content and if they are, then why are they always shopping? How could they be content and also be so hateful?

Well, what I mean is that they are 'content' with the suffering that they 'know' and are loath to venture into the unknown and the suffering that might be there. The fear that keeps us stay with 'better the hell you know than...'. It is only deep (words fail) that we step outside that 'box'.

Returning
I'm not sure I understand what you mean by 'returning'.

'Returning' refers to how we sense life flow. It's boils down to being either forwards or 'returning' or a combination of the two. A sense of 'returning' conveys a sense of eternity. Going forward conveys the promise of things to come and an illusion of the happiness that will bring.

The instructor would say "Let's come back now." He meant to come back to the moment. Is that what you meant? I love the analogy of hopping around...it feels like that, doesn't it.

Yes I would suppose to both. You see whenever we hear another's words we interpret them according to what is within us. The fact that we continue to have a back and forth tells me that we are sensing the same thing. The similarities are common and true, the apparent difference we see are
skin deep and illusionary.

Enlightenment and Ignorance
And "What ever you expect enlightenment to be will ironically be the barrier to your enlightenment" sounds true to me, but I'm not sure why. I don't make enlightenment a goal because I know that doesn't work. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing, take time to practice, and once in a while I notice that something that would have really bothered me now rolls off me like water off a duck and that's enough.

There you go. When you can sense how ignorance and enlightenment are two sides of the same coin you will be free to be both ignorant and enlightened. A very comfortable place. Then all the words become so much hot air... which continues to warm our social souls.

I understand/know what you are saying, but the difference between understanding and knowing might be purely semantic, no? In fact, I think the word understanding seems less like a mind thing than knowing. And I see how clear mind/cloudy mind is part of the world of duality, but I've always thought that enlightenment was living with the realization of the world (or whatever) beyond duality. Like a glimpse of the absolute.

For me enlightenment is in the eye of the beholder. What ever you expect enlightenment to be with ironically be the barrier to your enlightenment. The best way I can describe it is to say we are already enlightened at birth. It is only our own expectations (our baggage if you will), wrought out of fear and need, that cloud insight. It's simpler than we can say, It's more natural than we can imagine. Our minds get in the way. Just being is enough. Why can't we just be? Because of our own fears and needs keep us hopping around both mentally, emotionally, and physically. The more you just hop around in the moment, the more still the appear ant movement comes,.... until you have stopped and are returning... thought to others watching you, you are still hopping around.

Word are Steps on the Path Beyond Words
All this spiritual stuff really amounts to is social connection wherein we find deepest meaning and comfort. The words and ideas are just vehicle to take us there.

Yes yes yes. This is really the bottom line. We search for the bauble of 'enlightenment' and instead find this jewel of brotherhood. Enlightenment (or born-again for the Christian) is the bait that draws the lost souls together into a common path. Nature works marvelously.

Fear of Posting Messages
I'm kind of uncomfortable on the message board because I get self-conscious and worry about appearing to be the fool that I am. So I guess the best thing to do is to wholeheartedly get in there because that's really a bunch of bullshit.

Ah yes. Please do help keep the message board community alive. We set it up as a place for sincere communication between all us souls on the 'edge'. Only the insincere people are the "fools". Worry not then!

Those who may come on with a competitive edge simple reflect their own fear of the lower position (a Taoist favorite hangout).

The End of Understanding
We can have good understanding. Good understanding is the basis of practice. But then you spend the rest of your life working it out in your behavior.

Knowing is deeper than understanding. Understanding is a mind thing, while knowing happens throughout the body... and where ever else you might imagine it happening. So, the idea above is a little gobblety gooky, even though it can help at some point in life.

The Clear Mind?
So what is it about the Tsui-ching? When you go whomp!, right there, all thinking stops. The whole world comes to a halt. Right there, there's no duality. Lin-chi used to give a big shout. Sometimes a student would come and ask a question, and Lin-chi would give a big shout. At this big shout, the student would drop body and mind. Cutting through all the verbiage and all the discriminating and all the opinions. Just standing there completely naked. Clear mind.

From a Taoist point of view, this is too one sided. Kind of a wishful thinking escapist fantasy, not unlike the Christians who have their heaven to enter if properly saved.

Clear mind... murky mind... one creates the other. Embracing things as they are is diving into life, murky then clear, sad then happy, down then up. This is the way of heaven and earth. It's our resistance to life as it is that troubles us. It is profoundly ironic.

All this spiritual stuff really amounts to is social connection wherein we find deepest meaning and comfort. The words and ideas are just vehicle to take us there.

Good Suggestions?
I read in a Zen book that for peace of mind, it's best not to have opinions and strong feelings of like and dislike, but merely to have preferences. I would prefer not to have this earthquake shake down my house;

My problem with 'suggestions' (which I'm just as guilty of offering, is that they are useless in any real sense other than for the processes of social connection. It is not then the content (of the thought) that matters, but the process.

I Need To Be Wiser!
Thanks for your thoughts. I do enjoy what you have to say. I think you are very wise.

Well I NEED to be wiser because I'm such a fool! The real difference may be that I have some talent for putting subtle perceptions into words. Other folks sense the mystery but have trouble articulating 'it'.

Is Ignorance Bliss?
Used to be I would just drink....I did that for so many years and it was a lot easier!

Isn't curious how ignorance (either from drowning 'things' out with alcohol or just being young and ignorant) is 'blissful' (in a sense), but that once one begins awakening, one would never want to return to that 'ignorance is bliss' state. My view is based on the principle of balance and it conforms to my experience so far. Briefly, the increasing joy of 'enlightenment' (awake-ness) is naturally counter-balanced by increased awe(ful, wonder, terror, mystery). Experiencing the eternity / moment is very weighty (emotionally speaking). Little wonder that we spend much of our life tenaciously avoiding the void.

I was reading Pema Chodron and she said that "life is "passing memories."

Well, "life is passing memories" is a curious notion. A lot of what we call memories hinge on our preconceptions, which in turn filter and direct the experience of life to such an extent that we become distracted from its moment. The more civilized we are, the more this is so.

Just Do It?
When I think about making changes in our lifestyle, I am very open to it. My rational mind knows good ideas when it hears them--the problem is getting to actually DO them.

Okey, the mind is open. Now to get body in gear eh? Of course, nothing needs to be done now. I think of such really important issues as long term deals. Did I mention my saying: Short term pleasure, long term pain... Short term pain, long term pleasure. This view guides me in all I do. We are instinctively made to opt for the former... pleasure. In the wild that would be no problem for nature would compel us to balance our lives with the latter. Living the plush civilized existence that we enjoy leads to an unbalanced existence which we try to compensate for by 'addictions'...e.g. food, drugs, work, travel, friends, reading, t.v., ... you name it!

I believe if one truly concurs with this overview, one can not help but DO something. So, while you say you concurs, the realization is not settle down deep into your 'soul' yet.

Synchronous
Anyhow, the fear of death has really been in my face lately. I see it as the root of all fear and I think I got that thought from you. I am going to do another level of training in December and I'm told it's all about facing fear, so everything seems very synchronous

Reality is synchronous. When we slow down enough, we begin to realize it. Neat huh!

Believing Language is the Problem, Not Language.
Do you think that someday mankind will be so evolved that they will cease using language?

My bottom line on this is that thinking (and language that make it possible) is not our core problem. Our troubles come from believing that what we think is true. Putting so much faith in the reality of our cognitive perceptions sets up a vicious feedback circle between our emotions and mind. Emotion is the prime mover of thought anyway, and to then have our thoughts swing around and egg the emotions on further can create unnecessary sorrow. The more you can 'distrust' thought, the calmer life can be. By distrust, I mean take our thoughts with a 'grain of salt'.

The main purpose of my somewhat enigmatic 'correlation technique' is to weaken the influence that words have on the mind. The less I trust the reality of my thought, the more mysterious life feels (that's a good thing).

It's just so weird the way we use the tool of the mind to think about the mind. You call it babbling. Do you think that someday mankind will be so evolved that they will cease using language?

Ah. I see nature as a balanced system. Our big brain allows us to imagine which gives us a great survival advantage. Along with that comes the other side... we imagine our way out of the moment and live in the 'tomorrow'. If our brain 'devolved' into a small structure where language would be impossible, then of course we'd cease using it.

As I see it, the hope for our species lies in a huge portion of the population living past 100. It takes year to know ourselves and see things more as they are than as we would like them to be. The average maturity or wisdom of a culture will increase as more and more of the individuals making up that population live long enough to know themselves.

The End of Suffering?
I feel like my heart is full and a little too open. I don't know what to do about people's suffering. I want to run away!

There is no escape. Only surrender. As Buddha said, "Life is suffering, birth, growth, decay and death are suffering. Sad it is to be joined with that which we love, sadder still is the separation from that which we love and painful is the craving for that which can not be obtained". That nails it.

The more aware you become, the more aware you become of the life's suffering. As you come to know yourself more deeply, you drop the causes of your own suffering, but on the other hand become more aware of the suffering of others. This, to me, is what I call 'cosmic justice'. We're all on big 'happy family', whether we know it or not.

Having Purpose
I had scarey thoughts that maybe I am supposed to be going somewhere and that I'm missing the whole thing! Maybe I'm supposed to have a purpose.

Part of our biology is the instinct for 'purpose'. In nature it would keep us going, looking over to the 'greener grass' where we might find something to eat. This instinct pushes hunter gathers like ourselves to keep moving for we otherwise would exhaust all the resources where we were. In civilized conditions you don't need to be pushed onward to look for food - especially in the modern era (20th century onward). You just go to the store. However, the instinct is still pushing you. Under civilized conditions this 'push' translates to the feeling that we need "purpose" and to be a "player".

I found the only way to resolve that emotional dilemma is to return to where I am. That only happens when I slow down and 'look into the moment' as I go about my day's activity. The lamenting that we're "not a player anymore" is a golden opportunity to really get to know our 'original nature'. This is the blessing of age. Although, for many this is curse, for it requires 'free will' ... a quality that is more myth than real. We are not biologically set up to deal with this dilemma. This will be the greatest challenge to humanity over the next millennia, now that we have our physical survival mastered.

It's Nothing Special!
Our instructor at the meditation training was trying to tell us the same thing you said and I just got it. He'd be talking for a while and then he would say 'Ok. Let's come back for a while' and we would be silent. Then he said see, it's nothing special! I get it.

Amen. The simplest intuitive qualities of being are the most difficult to explain. So much misunderstanding occurs. I think more so because we are social animals and look to each other for guidance. What we seek lies silently within and is only felt by 'grace' (for lack of a better noun). I've notice, however, that as I taste 'this' it become easier to return to 'this'.

Constant Meditation
I find myself reflecting on your statement that you are always meditating. My mind says that can't be.

All of us are always 'meditating', except when emotion yanks us off 'center'. Certainly, the emotion that does this can be very subtle, but nevertheless, it pulls our mind into it's 'fire'. This can easily become a vicious circle, i.e., emotion pushes mind which pull on the emotion which pushes mind... and on and on. Then we cling, clamor, reach, mull, ruminate, ideate, worry, fret, fiddle, fudge, and otherwise 'float' away from our 'eternal moment' The other animals of this world are spared from this disconnection for they don't have a big enough brain to lose themselves in. Well, actually they don't have a big enough brain to create a 'self' to get lost. The practice of formal meditation is aims to slow down this vicious circle for awhile and so we can taste animal simplicity.

I should also say that as with most everything else we do as a species, we exaggerate differences making mountains out of mole hills. In other words the more we regard a 'thing' a special, the more difficult it is to internalize it. Simply put, holding on invokes a inner sense of loss and disconnection. The only way to have 'something' is to let go of it. You might call this 'cosmic justice'.

The Animal Instinct of Guilt
There were hours of meditation and since then, I've been feeling pretty uncomfortable with myself. How can I explain it...it's like I'm really seeing how I work. At first it was how driven I am by guilt. I never noticed that before, but I remember it from being a Catholic kid. And then I got really down on myself and hyper-sensitive to others. Like "I'm not okay and I think people are finding out."

Ah, guilt. My sense of guilt is that it is an inherited genetic characteristic which serves to bind the tribe. It connects us socially and plays a role in the hierarchical nature of our species. I think it is also more of a female trait, as are many of the other social connective aspects of humanity. Though, I may be wrong about that as far as guilt goes. I do think that the female characteristics predominant in women are the glue that bind us together. Without that we'd be much more like OrangUtangs. So, no need to feel guilty about feeling guilty. Of course knowing that won't stop you, but it can't hurt and may help moderate it a bit... no?

As you become more aware of your animal 'original nature', it is easier to live with yourself... and others.

Meditation
Now I seem to be 'normalizing' and feeling more peaceful. Do you remember this ever happening to you after long sessions of meditation?

Well, I suppose you could say I'm in constant 'meditation'. For me every moment is meditation. Whether or not it's peaceful depends on my instinctive emotional currents. But, they too are part of the moment. I never feel discomfortable with myself due to "seeing how I really work". For me, that always brings me peace. Why no discomfort? I don't have any ideals of how I 'should be', so what ever I realize of my nature stirs my curiosity and sense of wonder.

I expect the same should happen to you more and more as you see beyond your 'cultural programing' (paradigm). However, this experience is not without its consequences. That is to say, the more aware you are of the whole, the less shelter any part provides you. All in all, there is no advantage. Nature shows no favoritism (despite out wishful myths)

The Point of Correlations
Yes, the correlations make some sense to me. I think the one thought that sticks with me is that by using language to define our experience we limit our experience to fit in our language. That's the point, isn't it?

Yes that's the 'problem'. And the correlations are one way to weaken language's hold on us a bit.

The Pleasure of Age
I like what you say about being older. Our culture doesn't honor age at all and I never hear people talking about how good it is to be old. I sure like being this age, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Physically, it's the pits. I am so much happier and life feels so much fuller to me than it did when I was young.

Yes indeed. Our 'cultural blindness' to natural reality reminds me of other cultural blindness's, like how the Chinese used to bind girls feet for 'beauty' and in Burma, the practice of putting those bracelets around girls necks until the point where if you took them off their neck would break. Of course there are countless other example... humans are such an odd species! I can only attribute tools and civilizing circumstance that make us so out of step with nature. Indeed, civilization is our attempt to put a 'buffer' between us and nature... I'm thinking clothing right now, but this applies to countless other facets of culture.

The Displeasure of Age
I suspect not everyone feels this way: I asked a college buddy of mine and she was much happier in her 20's when she was running around carousing and getting into trouble. Perhaps if you focus on the outer forms you don't see the growth, don't realize the potential?

Actually, I think many people don't think... really. They just have a 'tape' that plays and replays the paradigm they have grown accustomed too. Running around, carousing and getting into trouble are SYMPTOMS of inner disconnection and sorrow, though they may not seem so if only seen objectively from the outside so to speak... Judging the book by its cover.

Fear and Fearless
I read this in the book and thought of you:

Acknowledging fear is not a cause for depression or discouragement. Because we possess such fear, we are potentially entitled to experience fearlessness. True fearlessness is not the reduction of fear; but going beyond fear.

Words easily convey more or less than what the writer intends. The word fearlessness, for example, can convey an illusion of 'escape'. We, like all other animals, and have a biological based sense of fear along with other emotions which guide survival. If fearlessness implies the dissolution of fear, that would be an 'insult' to nature's way. To avoid that misunderstanding, I'd put it more like this:

As one accepts fear and lets that feeling ebb and flow naturally, as it is bound to, fear will impact one's life less. I've found that resisting what is naturally so only prolongs and deepen my suffering. This, of course applies to all emotions.

I especially liked: we are potentially entitled to experience fearlessness. I sure hope so!

So, the less you expect to experience fearlessness, the less fear will move you.

Meditation Get Easier With Time
I feel like I can't meditate as long as I used to, but what I do has better quality... And I've been having fun watching what my head does even when I'm not meditating.

As you integrate 'mediation' into being, it becomes nothing special... not long nor short, but eternal. I'd say you are coming to experience this connection, which is one of the benefits of getting older....Mmm, maybe the only one.

Tai Chi Issues
I do get so confused. I still haven't made it though the 2nd brush knee. I also came to the conclusion that I should generally learn the motions and perfect them later just so I'd get the feel for it.

That's it! get a feel for it and let it come together naturally and gradually. It is so easy for us to take the form (actions) too seriously... in everything in life! When, really it is the mind behind the form (action) which is the 'way'.

You do the action with perfection, but there is no particular form which is 'better'. It is an odd kind of situation where the ideal is to give the greatest care (love) to what you're doing, but not become attached to the form of what your doing, or the result. We often tend to do just the opposite, i.e., get attached to the form and not take great care (love).

Belief
You should know I also have a belief that it takes me longer to learn body movements (dance steps, driving a stick shift, etc.) than other people. (I'm up for questioning my beliefs...lately they have become suspect.)

Ah, belief. What a trap. Loosening our hold on them / their hold on us, makes life quite curious and mysterious. I suppose our early years of questioning curiosity brings about all those answers and beliefs which comfort us. So we hang on to them, the consequence of which is to snuff out the curiosity and mystery of life.

Are Taoist Anarchists
My friend said that taoists are anarchists. Do you think that's true?

Had to look up anarchist in the dictionary: "belief in abolishing all government and the organization of society on a voluntary and cooperative basis". Now, the anarchy comes from the Greek, 'without ruler'.

So I suppose he is both right and wrong. "Belief" and "abolishing" are pretty much left behind as one's Taoist perspective deepens. On the other hand, from a Taoist point of view, the problems we have are largely caused by society. So, the Taoist ideal would be to have society small and intimate enough that there would be no need for a government - no need for a ruler, per se. That's the situation in a family, of course, and it was Homo Sapiens' way for several hundred thousand years before we recently (10-20.000 years ago) got too cleaver for our britches. The monkey's have machine guns, so they need government to rule and provide order... and that's why we have government. If one wants to get rid of government, you must first get rid of technology... of we as a species have to mature to the point where we can behave on a "voluntary and cooperative basis".

Lastly, Taoism is a way of not-contending with reality, but conforming to it. Seems anarchists are often bent on changing things to their idealized picture of 'paradise'. In that sense, then, Taoist would be 180 degrees opposite of anarchists.

Does the Teacher Appears When the Student is Ready?
You must know that I have been meditating in isolation for 30 years and so I am so grateful to be communicating with you and participating in my new meditation group. What do you think of the idea that I wasn't ready till now? You know, when the student is ready the teacher will appear.

Yes, indeed! But, expand on that I must...

Teacher vs. student brings to mind the Taoist notion of "mysterious sameness" (as do all distinctions). I feel Truth is as plain as the noses on our face, but no teacher can 'teach us' to see it. Only as we drop our 'expectations and assumptions' of what reality is, or should be, do we begin to see things as they are. How can I know I'm "seeing things as they are"? "Mysterious sameness". When I feel that underlying 'mysterious sameness' instead of the difference, I feel peacefully connected and whole, which is all the 'Truth' I need anyway... To recall from that article you sent... "Humans have a strong belief in our differences,"

So, I don't really see much, if any, distinction between 'student' and 'teacher' in the deep realms of experience. And really, I don't much see it even in the surface affairs of mankind. It's part of our myth, our paradigm, but as I've experience it - especially after home schooling my boys - the teacher concept is way overblown. Of course, when I show the kids how to make a fire, for example, then I'm teaching them...but such 'teaching' only applies at this most practical and superficial level. It's like giving directions to the post office to a tourist new to the area.

I like to think of 'teaching' instead as a modeling process... "Man models himself on earth, Earth on heaven, Heaven on the way, And the way on that which is naturally so", to borrow from the Tao Te Ching. And anything, anyone, everything, everyone, nothing or no one can serve as a model. So, for example, when I'm living with integrity, I'm modeling that for my kids, not teaching it. They'll respond in accord with who they are biologically. This removes all responsibility for me to teach and for them to learn. Things just happen "naturally so".

Learning the Tao?
I love what you wrote about Tai Chi. The best thing I could do right now is go try and learn it some more!

So, maybe don't think of this experience as "learning" or "trying". Imagine it more like a journey through a forest you've never been to, on path you've never trod. You are stepping along, step by step, towards you don't know where because this is your first time on this particular path. Although, as "all paths lead to Rome", you have some faith that this path will lead you where you'd like to be.

The Ugly Became Beautiful
I can remember driving home every day from work, and it is SO ugly with stores, signs, wires, billboards and suddenly I felt endeared to all this man-made crap and I stopped resisting the ugliness of it and it felt all okay.

That recalls my experience with garbage. One day I was on a bridge in Japan looking down on the garbage floating down the river below. All at once it was beautiful. Connecting up those opposite, like ugly and beautiful, bring such peace.

Tai Chi
I need help on tai chi. It was easy and then they started leaning and turning and stepping in different directions all at once and I got lost. I think it's a whole gestalt thing I am not getting...it's the brush knee moves. I just have to stop thinking I can't do it and take it easy. I'll imagine I'm surrounded by ducks.

You will have an easy journey in learning Tai Chi if you regard it as though you are a toddler learning to walk (or talk). Remember, that took a few years to get all your body / mind parts moving in a coordinated way. Same same with Tai Chi (and music and, well most every skill thing we do), only I'd expect it to take you twice as long to become as intuitive with it as when you picked up walking and talking. The old nervous system isn't what it used to be. Never-the-less, the gift of fluency in Tai Chi, even if it take you 10 years, will be priceless. And, if you can drop expectations on yourself / your progress you'll find joy in it a lot sooner than 10 years!

Basically, you learned to walk through a three step process - observation, trial and error. Now, when you were a pre-toddler you didn't have expectations about your progress. You simple observed those big 'giants (adults) walking around and you tried and fell, then replayed the whole process - observation, trying and falling - until... "She's standing"... "She's stepping".... "She's walking"... "She's running"... Use this natural path as your model, not the insanely idealistic (in my view, of course) educational model that pervades our culture.

Total Acceptance
The key to the whole thing is acceptance. If I could find total acceptance, I would be totally serene!

Ah, but you wouldn't be human...

I've noticed an underlying aspect of life... only when I give up what I want, do I get 'it' ('it', not usually being the object I wanted, but rather the peace I felt I'd get when I satiate my want). It's seems irony to me that only when I can let go of wanting to let go, can I let go. Maybe that's not so ironic after all... It's just how nature works.

A Complement to Warm My Heart
I am very interested in your ideas. At times, I get a little lost along the way, but your thoughts are relevant to me, so I persevere. I really think it's amazing stuff-- I don't know how to express it really. I think it might be important to living my life.

That really warms my heart to hear. I want to contribute to society, but most of my observations are not what most people want to hear. Don't hesitate to ask for clarification of, or issue an objection to, any of my thoughts, either by e-mail or on the site's message board (which will make webmaster Luke happy =:-)

Oh, and be assured, I have no emotional stake in anything I say so don't hesitate to voice yourself. All I'm doing really is calling 'em as I see 'em. My wish is to communicate my observations in a way that causes as little misunderstanding as possible. Resentments

I am thinking about some resentments I feel. It will help me to think of the long term consequences in my relationship before I decide on an action.

What helps me greatly is realizing that we don't choose who we are. Our actions arise from our biology and its interaction in the circumstances we find ourselves. Thus, I find it impossible to have any resentment toward anyone/thing. To resent someone's actions would be, to me, like resenting the fact that the ants come up and eat my sugar. They're doing what they need to do. That's all we really ever do, isn't it.

The Pause That Gives Choice
So thanks! I also liked 'How can you pause...'; that's it isn't it? That little pause that gives you a choice. That's what I get from meditation.

Amen! In the context of doing what we 'need to do', reaching a deeper level of maturity (through a lifetime of circumstance, i.e., 'mistakes'), I'm more aware of the consequences of what I'm doing, and just naturally avoid doing certain things that won't give me what I REALLY want.

Tai Chi
On tai chi, I'm working on the first form after the commencement form. Dr. Lam says to perfect it so that's what I'm doing.

I would, in principle, disagree somewhat. Think for a moment of how children learn. Does a toddler 'perfect' crawling,... before toddling,... before walking,... before running. Not on your life! From birth to death, I see us all as 'children', so I feel it's best to approach everything, including Tai Chi, as we first learned to talk and walk. Believe me, TIME and observation are what bring you into the 'perfection', not sticking to any particular stage until perfect is found.